Skip to main content

Sometimes we just want to be heard

Genevieve was being a grump. She was tired. Well she should have been, it was bedtime. Bedtime is always a struggle. I don't think my own parents would disagree with that. With seven kids, bedtime must have been torturous. Well, getting the girls to bed sometimes involves screaming (us at them) and sometimes I just grab them by the hand and walk them upstairs and step them through the process. This was not one of the hand holding nights. After fighting to get them upstairs, immediately we hear Genevieve screaming and crying. She was hurt. So we quickly run up the stairs, "What happened?" we exclaim. Only screams and crying could come out. "WHAT HAPPENED?" we say a little louder, as if that could jolt the explanation out over the tears.

I suddenly had a flash! It was a memory, a feeling. I still cannot tell whether it was a memory of my Dad or my Mom or a combination of both. Empathy. My voice got higher as my body got lower to the ground. At her level, I could make a connection. With a higher more sympathetic voice, she calmed enough to tell me she stubbed her toe. I looked at it - really looked at it. It was fine. She was fine. I joked and told her that God gave us ten toes so we could sacrifice one or two and still walk. A hug and we were off to bed.

Sometimes we just want to be heard. We want someone to care - to stop doing what they are doing, pay attention and show us that we are loved. The world presents us with opportunities like this constantly, but we are too needy to notice most of the time. If we are all pay-attention-to-me all the time, then no one is left to give the attention. It is a warm feeling when someone is concerned with us and takes a minute to see how we are and attempts to help. A warm, calming, connected feeling that feels like love.

Being heard takes on different forms for different people, but it always involves stopping, looking and listening.

AT HOME
Put the computer down, look into your spouse's or child's eyes and calmly, without judgement, listen. Respond with knowing sympathy. For the guys reading this, do not try to fix anything and don't add your own story about when this happened to you or explain how you have a headache too. Example responses: "I know. That hurts." or "That must make you feel terrible."

AT WORK
Stop typing your email. Turn your chair around. Get eye contact. Listen. Write yourself a note in front of them. This tells your employee or co-worker that you know this is real. Thank them for talking to you and assure them that you will look into it for them.

At work, they always want action. At home, they usually just want time.

I am writing in broad generalities with a dash of gender bias and prejudice. But it is necessary to get a point across in a readable post. Thanks for listening.

Comments

  1. Phenomenally insightful. You should take this stuff on the road!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Joan, all I need to know is that someone like you will read this and I just might. Thanks for your kind responses.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dual nature

It occurred to me today that I have to start this practicing love if I am going to get any better at it. So I set about to only think good thoughts about people today. It was apparently too lofty a goal for me today. Whatever you practice, you do. I don't know why we continue to practice hate, anger, sadness, frustration, jealousy, etc. It comes out. We seem to gravitate to it. Someone says, "Did you hear what she said?" and we perk up and hope it's juicy. "She is such a horrible person!" we may continue. We love this for some reason. Maybe it's because of the same genes that make us laugh every time someone falls down. Anyway, whatever the reason, it is something to fight against. But I don't want to say fight against, because that too has a negative connotation. It is something to supplant. You see we have two natures, human and spirit. I don't care what religion you practice or don't. You have to feel this spirit within you or recogniz...

GIVE PERMISSION

"PEOPLE REALLY PISS ME OFF!" Have you ever said/thought that? Some days it seems like the world is against us. But the truth of the matter is, the people in the world are not thinking about you much at all. That !@#$%^&*ing person that cut you off on freeway was just doing what they needed to do for themselves. The perception that the person was trying to maliciously scoot in front of you to cause you to slam on your brakes and threaten your life is no more true than the opposite of that. That is right. Both the worst truth and the best truth exist at the same time. Let me explain.Your experience of the truth happens entirely in your brain. You write a play, cast the characters, give them rich histories and endow them with emotions...in your mind. This happens with everything. Since you don't have all the facts, you fill in facts based on your experience, your instincts, your emotions. This is creative energy. Have you ever seen the test that looks like this: Aro...
Crying. Babies do a lot of crying. I remember my first experience with a crying baby. I had never watched a baby before, but my sister-in-law came to visit to help Cory buy a wedding dress. They left me with the baby. I was 22 years old and never held a baby before. I tried not to let on that I was terrified. She gave me some very simple advice that made it all sound so easy. If the baby cries, he only wants one of three things: food, potty or love. For food, here is a bottle. For potty, check his diaper. For love, hold, rock, talk sweet or if you just fed him, burp him. "I got this!" He cried for three hours straight as my head slowly split in two. I tried all three things in methodically monotony, one to the next, to the next, to the next, for three hours to no avail. I don't think I was adequately equipped for this ... as a man. Crying is not something we are taught to deal with. That is something to sweep under the rug. When you are young and a male, you cry and...