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Marriage Reality


There are no less than 32 reality TV shows about weddings. "Four Weddings" is the marriage competition where 4 couples compete for the best wedding on national TV. Then there is "Bridezilla" where we get to make fun of the nightmare bride. But lets not forget about "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" where we get to watch as people compete to win a bride or a husband. It makes the fight to save marriage from the Gays seem a little ridiculous. It also makes you wonder what they are fighting for. Does marriage equality mean they are getting an opportunity to be exploited on TV or to be divorced?

The conventional wisdom and research seems to point to 40-50% of first marriages and 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Although I am skeptical of the research and statistics on that one, I certainly know a lot of people who have divorced. In my immediate family, the statistic is 30%. I don't exactly want to get into the reasons for divorce, for this is a love blog. But the reality of marriage is that it is complicated.

A good marriage takes work, and WORK is NOT the ideal. TV, the lottery, and literally every new gadget out there says that work sucks and there is a shortcut to happiness. I like to say that marriage takes effort or time + energy. Just like everything we do, you get out what you put in. But love and marriage is not a zero sum game. I am no economist but I can tell you that you cannot take a piece of love out of anywhere and leave a hole. The work in a marriage that IS work is the work around the house. That does seem like there is a finite amount of work and the amount you do in direct comparison to the amount your partner is NOT doing. But that is a fallacy. There is more work to be done than two people can do. Literally, with a house, you can never stop. It is nearly impossible to say, "I do all the work and my spouse does none."

You shouldn't even try to measure it. If you think that you make all the money and your spouse should do all the work around the house, you are in for a disaster. Even if you have a stay-at-home wife, and she is responsible for the house, this means she is never away from her job. The home has to be a joint responsibility. Especially if you have kids with a stay-at-home Mom. Motherhood is full-time, like your job is full-time. But don't think about the quantities. I see this in my kids and we do it as adults too. "Why do I have to do this and she doesn't?" You have to worry about yourself and stop comparing what you do to what you perceive the effort is with the other half. If you strive to do more than your spouse, you are probably neck and neck and on the right track.

Notice and be thankful

Every little thing that you notice your spouse has done, say thank you to them for it. Maybe your spouse bought new soap for the bathroom or scooped out the litter. "Hey, thanks for doing that."

Don't be critical

If your spouse bought new soap and it reminds you of vomit, don't say so. That is really TMI people. Mention you noticed the change. Maybe say, "Thank you, we were really running low." You are thanking the effort and the thoughfulness, not that they nailed your favorite scent. Don't forget, it is your house too. If you are that turned off by a certain product or scent, buy it yourself.

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