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Better Lover


Sometimes we struggle through our relationships because we feel we are owed something. We withhold love; we withhold affection. We use our love as currency that can only be withdrawn when someone makes a deposit. We wonder why those around us do not give us more of what we want. The ones we love the most, we treat like dirt because...well..."they know what we like, what we need and they don't give it to us." So we don't give them what they need.

Growing up, I learned that sex was for marriage. So naturally, getting married meant I could have all the sex I wanted. You marry your spouse and that is "supposed" to be the last and only person you have sex with. TV, movies, etc. teach us that we are not "normal" unless we are having sex at least every day. There is a sexual entitlement that comes with marriage, I think, especially if you are male. If you are not getting what you are entitled to get, then someone is withholding.

A man's virility centers around sex when you are in high school and college. Our peers brag about their conquests and we young men equate this to self-worth and we go out to "get some". As we take this into our relationships, though, it leaves our partners out of the equation. They feel this and it feels empty and lonely.

When you start out in modern relationships, sex can be your main connection to the other person. Some relationships start in bed before a real date even happens. Hot and heavy you fill each other's ego with passion, passion fades however, but the need to feel connected and worthy doesn't. This is when we need to buckle down and connect, but sometimes you feel like the other person is withholding, so you don't want to do it. When you don't, YOU are withholding. This protectionism breeds more protectionism and you pull further apart.

Guess what? Love is not owed anything. If you love your partner, you have to strive to be the better lover. You have to decide for yourself that you are going to give with reckless abandon and get nothing in return. When I say this, I don't mean that love is a competition and you have to win. I mean you need a paradigm shift. A shift away from entitlement. A shift toward the one you love.

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