It occurred to me in trying to define Love that Love is not a destination. We always hear that you have to find Love or wait until Love finds us. We also talk about the people who love us or didn't love us. You may also remember a story where someone was not in a loving relationship. I don't mean to diminish any of this, but our Love paradigm needs to shift. Love is a way of life. It is a way of conducting ourselves in the midst of chaos. Love is how we do things.
Love does not need to be reciprocated. Love does not need to balance out. Oftentimes we put ourselves out there with Love and when it does not come back like we expect, we close down and withdraw our Love, blaming those who did not reflect it back to us - as if love was game of tennis. Sometimes we even blame ourselves for not loving enough or improperly. If you are truly a loving person, you don't need to get it back.
We learn so early in life that everything we say or do gets something in return. Do the right things at home, you get your allowance money. Do something bad and get grounded. Similar things happen at school, work and even in our relationships. It is always a tit for a tat, an eye for an eye. Love does not conform to the hammurabi code of exact reciprocity. In Matthew's gospel, Jesus says turn the other cheek. That is because the way of Love knows no other way. It is true that Love strengthens when it gets Love back, but that cannot be your motivation. The only sure way to receive Love is to live a life of Love.
Love attracts Love. When you realize that Love is not a destination but a way of life, you start to lose your entitlement to Love. This is very freeing. You will stop expecting your Love payment when you love someone. You will stop blaming yourself when you don't get loved back.
Love must be a noun that lives inside you that expands. When you do things, you expend that Love in the verb form. Think of Love as the fuel in your car that helps you get to your destination. It is not the destination itself, it is how you get where you are going. Even if a loving relationship is your goal, you need Love to get there. A car needs gas to drive to the gas station.
A truly wonderful way to live and think. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I also must say, though, that it really hurts when someone you love, someone who is a part of who you are, a part of your very existence, doesn't love you back...or show you that s/he loves you...Even with that, there is no diminished love on the giver's part, because, indeed, it's impossible to stop. But nevertheless, it can be painful.
ReplyDeleteThank you for engaging in a discussion, Joan. You bring up a very important point. What about the pain? I believe that Love and pain are inextricably connected. It is painful to see a loved one hurting or being destructive too. The pain, sometimes, is the only way we know we are feeling Love.
ReplyDeleteCory and I were separated for a time back in 1994. I felt so much pain, but I realized back then (after months) that it was Love and not inflicted pain. I blamed Cory for the pain for some time until I realized that it was my own Love that was hurting. When I realized that, a great peace was bestowed on me.
Separation is painful because Love wants to unite. Pain is not bad. Avoid apathy and emotion numbing because, at least, Love brings joy.